Gravier Goes Around the Corner
by Merickson
Summary: All by himself.


EXT. CENTSMART DISCOUNT TOBACCO SHOP - DAY

CENTSMART, a clown with smeared, hastily-applied makeup,  
stands on the street corner outside the shop, holding a  
balloon by a string and wearing a sandwich board reading  
"Marlboro 2 Pax 4 10% Off." He stares forward, blank-faced.

A passing car stops in front of him, and the WOMAN driving  
shouts out the passenger window.

WOMAN  
Oh my god, it's one of those scary  
clowns that keep showing up in  
random places! What are you doing  
here?!

CENTSMART  
Making minimum wa-

WOMAN  
Don't you dare try to kill me! I  
got my phone, so just stay away!

The woman holds her phone up and starts recording Centsmart,  
her shaking hand causing him to be a blur on the screen.

WOMAN  
(yammering into phone)  
I'm out here in the middle of  
nowhere and this evil clown  
appeared for no reason and he has  
red eyes and shark teeth and he  
wants to suck out my eyeballs!

Centsmart holds the balloon out.

CENTSMART  
I don't suppose you'd like a free  
balloon.

WOMAN  
Get away from me with that  
chainsaw!

The woman screams and speeds away. Centsmart sighs. He  
turns and is startled by Gravier standing right beside him.

GRAVIER  
Hi, Mr. Clown! Did you run away  
from the circus?

CENTSMART  
Who the hell are you?

GRAVIER  
I'm Gravier! What's your name?

CENTSMART  
Uh, I'm Centsmart, the money-saving  
clown. Where are your parents?

GRAVIER  
At home around the corner. They  
aren't my real parents. I'm  
adopedid.

CENTSMART  
Okay...well...have a balloon.

Centsmart hands the balloon to Gravier.

GRAVIER  
Wow! Neat!

Gravier immediately lets the balloon go, reaches into his  
pocket, and pulls out a roll of bills.

GRAVIER  
Now gimme some smokes!

CENTSMART  
We don't sell to kids. It's  
illegal. I _told_ them this clown-mascot  
thing would backfire.

GRAVIER  
Not even for extra monies? You can  
have all of it.

CENTSMART  
How old are you?

GRAVIER  
Old enough to walk around the block  
all by myself. Mommers and Dadders  
told me so.

CENTSMART  
Yeah, I think you should just go  
back to them.

GRAVIER  
But they said I have to stay out of  
the house for one hour, and Dadders  
said I better have smokes when I  
come back.

CENTSMART  
I think I'd like to have a talk  
with them.

EXT. HOUSE - LATER

Centsmart and Gravier stand on the front porch. Centsmart  
rings the doorbell.

CENTSMART  
What's wrong with these people?

GRAVIER  
Ring the doorbell again!

CENTSMART  
I just did it like seven times.

Dadders answers the door, wearing a full-body gimp outfit as  
well as a cone-shaped, pompom-adorned hat, a ball gag for a  
nose, and a huge polka-dot necktie.

DADDERS  
(muffled)  
What?! - Oh!

He unzips the mouth of his gimp mask.

DADDERS  
(to Centsmart)  
Hi there! You must be new. Come  
on in. We're just getting to the  
good part.

CENTSMART  
Uh...is...is this your kid?

Dadders notices Gravier.

DADDERS  
(with an aggravated sigh)  
Yes.

GRAVIER  
Dadders! I didn't know you were a  
clown!

DADDERS  
Damn it, Gravier. It's hard enough  
for us to keep this under an hour,  
and you can't even stay away for  
that long?

CENTSMART  
He tried to buy cigarettes.

DADDERS  
Yeah, so where are they? I need my  
smokes.

Mommers pushes in next to Dadders, wearing a spiky purple  
wig, checkered shirt, and studded suspenders holding up  
oversized trousers. She wields a rainbow-striped spanking  
paddle.

MOMMERS  
Ooh, who's the tall whimsical  
stranger?

DADDERS  
I don't know, but I can't wait to  
find out.

CENTSMART  
Uhh, your son was wandering the  
streets. Do you really just let  
him go out on his own?

MOMMERS  
Well we certainly don't want  
children hanging around the house  
during clowntime.

DADDERS  
Exactly, which is why we make our  
son go outside and we lock our  
daughter up safely in a -

Dadders gestures to a large, empty cage sitting on the side  
of the porch, its door hanging wide open.

DADDERS  
Oh.

CENTSMART  
That's horrible! I'm reporting you  
to the police!

MOMMERS  
Well the sheriff is here if you  
want to talk to him.

Dadders and Mommers move over to make room for the SHERIFF, a  
face-painted man dressed in a completely rubber, multicolored patrol uniform.

SHERIFF  
(high-pitched voice)  
Hi! I'm Sheriff Fuzzycuffs!

MOMMERS  
(hushed tone)  
Pineapple.

The Sheriff clears his throat.

SHERIFF  
(normal voice)  
I mean, I'm Sheriff Elmore. What  
seems to be the problem?

CENTSMART  
What the hell is going on here?

DADDERS  
Clownti-

CENTSMART  
Yeah, yeah. Doesn't anyone care  
about this kid?

Gravier is gone. Centsmart looks around.

CENTSMART  
Where'd he go?

MOMMERS  
Probably to the liquor store. We  
need some fridge packs.

Dadders holds a phone up to Centsmart, shoving the screen in  
his face.

DADDERS  
Hey, can you tell if this picture  
of Bozo is photoshopped? Because I  
sure hope it isn't.

Centsmart glances at the screen and looks away in horror,  
reeling back.

CENTSMART  
Eugh! That's disgusting! You're  
all sick freaks! Get away from me!

Centsmart runs away.

DADDERS  
Pssh, vanilla clown.

SHERIFF  
Well, you did squick him out  
without consent, which is violation  
of Clown Kink Code 28-B. I'm going  
to have to give you the  
chair...that has whoopee cushions  
all over the seat.

Dadders raises his arms excitedly.

DADDERS  
Yay!

Sissy drops down on the porch out of nowhere, holding a milk  
crate full of cigarette cartons.

SISSY  
Sissy rob tobacco shop!

DADDERS  
Best clowntime ever!

END


End file.
